"Cheap Love"

Sex made me feel used

A quickie before breakfast or maybe after dinner

Whenever it suited him

And when he wanted it 

It had to happen then and there

Then he’d look at me and grin

And say, “Well that’s over with.” 

There was never any lingering cuddle

No passionate, sweet kisses

No lying in each others arms 

Sharing in the moment

I felt like a check box on his daily planner

There was no pleasure taken

In our nakedness

Often clothes were pulled down quickly

Never fully removed

So that the deed could be done

Quickly and at the utmost convenience to him

My comfort was not considered

He pulled me into positions

Probably fuelled by obscene images in his head

I was a tool to his fantasy

He never cried my name

He never whispered “I love you”

His hands were rough

Everything hurt

I withdrew from the pain

And my tenseness only 

Intensified my discomfort 

Saying “NO” meant nothing

To him 

He paid me and my wishes

No attention

 The focus was on him

What he could get from me

Ultimately what he WOULD get from me

I would give in

In defeat

Gritting my teeth

Willing it to end

And end quickly

Where was the romance

That movies boasted of?

Where was the sweet

Gentle love

Spoken of

Written of 

In songs, books …

Thus pain became my norm

I thought the fault

Was my own

If I only tried more

Pleasured him more

Turned myself on

In ways that I would 

Never have believed 

That I would have resorted to

Then maybe

It would be okay

Except that it was not okay

It was never okay

I still bear the inward scars

Of an outward trauma

My trust was broken

My hope torn in two

These things are hard to 

Recreate

In a person’s heart

I’m hoping that time

Will be my healer

And with it

The passing of memories

The easing of the pain

That still grips me even now

The deep deep hurt

That goes beyond grief

Beyond anger

Beyond fear 

Into something unexplainable

Except for those who have

Been through the same

And have survived

To tell the tale...

Like me