I remember being at a pre-game party with all of my friends. I remember hearing that the cab was downstairs. I remember opening the door to leave. And I remember waking up naked in someone else's bed nine hours later.
I didn't have any vivid memories, but I knew whose bed I was in, and I knew what probably had happened. He wasn't in the room, so I quickly got dressed and searched the room for any signs of what happened. As I looked for a used condom or wet spot on the bed, I remembered him on top of me. He was naked, I thought he was inside me until I reached down to discover he wasn't. In that moment I remember wanting it. But the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach the second I woke up was nauseating.
That was about 18 months ago.
I never found out if we had sex, but I still don't want to know. I knew him. I trusted him. And then I felt an overwhelming sensation; I'd felt this before.
There are years of my life that I don't remember. My sister recently remembered she was molested by our mother's boyfriend. I've always felt I've been molested, but couldn't remember. Once my sister told me she had been molested, something clicked inside of me. Except I still don't want to know.
That was about 16 years ago.
I don't want to have to deal with the pain of acknowledging what could have or did happen to me. Regardless of what really happened to me, I was taken advantage of and it wasn't okay. Yes I was black-out drunk. And because of that I carry a lot of the guilt of what happened. But I didn't deserve what happened to me.