lily

 

I was fifteen years old and he was somewhere in his twenties. It was the first time I'd ever been to a party and gotten that intoxicated. I suppose this made me an easy target, but I don't remember much from that night, aside from the short flashes of images that I find myself replaying in my head over and over again whenever I participate in sex.

I remember saying to him, "Please don't do this to me," but once his relentless attempts wore down both my refusal and my energy, I just closed my little drunk eyes and let him get it over with. The next day, I came home and told my (then) boyfriend, who had a mental breakdown and threatened to kill himself and me. His entire family got word of it and repeatedly called me a "cheater" and a "thot." Everyone I knew, including my own friends and family blamed me for it.

I then began to side with them and tell people, "I cheated, it was all my idea!" just to normalize what happened to me. Since then, I have been assaulted many more times by many different people, a few times by my then-boyfriend's brother, who addressed me as his "little sister" right after.

Sex used to be a sacred and beautiful experience to me, something I wanted to only share with someone I loved. But now, it's a nightmare. What once was a way for me to express myself both physically and emotionally, now makes me want to puke. I dream about it, I can't even look into the mirror without seeing it. I am hurting everyday now because of the humiliation I faced and the psychological damage I now suffer from as a result of it.

I feel bad for that person, but that person is me, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.