COLLOR

 

I get home and realize I've forgotten my math book, so I'm going back to school to pick it up. I didn't need it that night, but I still went to get it. 

After he's done, I'm sitting in a corner crying in silence when he whispers, "Don't forget to bring your homework next week, I might give you some extra points." I come home and take a shower; I feel disgusting. I feel I can't trust anyone. I'm going out with my boyfriend that night and I think I'll try to tell him what happened but I'm too scared. I ask, "What would you do if I told you that I've been raped?" He says, "I don't know, that's too much to handle." It hurts, but I understand. After all, we're only 15.

I sometimes forget about it, and some days it hits me hard. I'm a grown up now, and thanks to therapy and church I've learned how to live with it. I've watched too many Law & Order SVU episodes and I have pepper spray and a taser with me all the time, so I think I know how to defend myself, or at least what to do if it happens again.

It's my friend's graduation party and my ex (the same guy I dated back then) is there. I'm happy to see him and to catch up; it's been awhile, but I'm too tipsy to fully understand what's going on around me. I'm drinking a Coke with some lime in it, so it can't be that. I think someone put something in my glass.

I wake up the next day, my tights are off, skirt unbuttoned. I'm sore, disoriented, and my ex is next to me. Several missed calls on my phone make me think I wasn't ok the night before, so I call my friend back. She is worried, that's when I know for sure something bad happened.

I feel worthless, disgusting, numb, stupid—how could I let it happen again? How am I going to look my parents in the eyes now? Am I still a faithful member of my church? I feel I can't say anything because he's having a baby within a few months and I don't want ruin that child's life. But who cares about how ruined my life is?

And I realize, no matter how old I am, how many Law & Order episodes I've watched, how many therapy sessions I have been to, the story is the same. I won't say anything. I also know...I'm not safe.