anonymous

Freshman year of college. So many "news" I don't even know where to begin. How about a new boy. I'd never had a boyfriend, never kissed a boy, never really actually went on a date besides prom, so this was something really new to me. 

On our first date he didn't kiss me, so I thought things would be great! He's respectful, sweet and fun! Freaking score! The second time we "hung out" we watched a scary movie at my apartment. I had my own apartment in school so we were alone. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up and he was still laying next to me and started kissing me, I was fine with him kissing me until he started touching my butt. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't okay with that and didn't want him to do that, but what was so wrong with it? Everything. I didn't want it done to me. 

The next few weeks were the worst weeks of my life. All I can really remember is him on top of me, anywhere and everywhere, all the time. Taking off my clothes and him and touching me. I remember telling him to stop. Telling him no over and over again, I kept saying "I don't wanna do this". I was so confused, he kept saying it's okay, we're not doing anything bad. I was young, I wasn't taught what to do or say when a boy touches you inappropriately, or says something to make you uncomfortable. I was a young adult, away from my family and friends, scared. I kept "dating" him. 

I remember one night so vividly. We went to the movies, he always would have his hand down my shirt at the movies. I would try to preoccupy my hands as much as possible so he couldn't force them on him. After the movie we walked out to the parking lot and he pinned me up against his truck and started kissing and humping me so hard it hurt. Finally we get in his truck and drive to his house. We don't get out but he gets on top of me and pulls my shirt and bra up and he's biting me I'm almost crying. He puts his hand down my pants and says "wow you're so wet". I sarcastically answered "I wonder why". He grabs one of my wrists and pulls it towards his hard on as I'm pulling my hand away. It was all so painful I couldn't stand it anymore. The biting, hard humping, his hand clenching and pulling my hand down, all in his truck. I gave in, he put his dick in my hand. I didn't do what he wanted. I kept telling him no. It took a while before he realized I was serious. But he only thought I didn't want to that night, I didn't want to at all. 

I went home that night and sat in the shower for what felt like forever. I couldn't cry, I felt so numb. I stared at the bruises on my breasts, inner thighs, wrists, lips, everywhere. This had been going on for weeks and continued for about another week or two until it just ended. 

I don't know why this had to happen to me, but I do know why it was worse than it should have been. My parents never taught me. I didn't have boy problems until I was out of the house. They weren't there to teach me. This is so freaking important I can't even stress it enough. No means no. Walk away. No matter what, walk away. No one is worth it. You're better than this and you deserve better. It's been years and I still have to tell myself this everyday. I am better than what's happened to me, I grew and continue to grow through my pain.