This is really scary to write. I've started a few of these and THEN HAVE had to stop. I think maybe there is power in having it be shared and not hiding it in shame anymore.
My freshman year of college I was in a very abusive relationship. it was manipulative and physically abusive, until my dad had a heart attack and I went home to be with my family for a few days against my boyfriend's wishes. With the space and time I realized it was a bad relationship and broke it off. He was extremely angry, but I was far away and safe until I came back Sunday night. When I got back I was emotional and I wanted comfort and felt that we should talk and figure out our relationship. I went over to his apartment. When I got there he was mad and told me I could make it up to him by letting him have my virginity. I didn't want him to take it and I told him so, but he didn't listen. He was on top of me and I tried to fight, but then his hands were around my neck and I couldn't breathe. I had the realization I was going to pass out and not have to remember any of this or I would die. I stopped resisting and he let go and undressed both of us. It was beyond terrifying, and I realized we were going to have sex if I didn't do anything. My therapists all have told me they think it was my survival instinct that kicked in, but at that moment I chose to knee him. It was terrifying, but while he was in pain I grabbed my clothes and left. I got dressed in the trees near his apartment and went home to grab a scarf before heading to my chemistry study group.
It's been two years now and I still feel his hold on my life. Sometimes I feel like he’s still strangling me in other ways, but I’m working on overcoming this and hope that one day I’ll feel free of his grasp in my life.