I was 10-years-old when I had my first sexual encounter. I was babysitting and the girl (she was 8-years-old) wanted to play doctor. Little did I know that I would soon be coerced into having my vagina prodded and poked. She inserted her doctor toys into me. I froze, not knowing what to do or what to say. She was younger than me. This was meaningless fun for her. I'm sure she meant nothing of harm by it, but it wrecked me. I went home that night and told my mom that I didn't want to babysit her ever again. I never told anyone about the 'fun' experiment that she played.
Several years later, I was in a relationship with a female. I wasn't 100% convinced that I wanted to be with her sexually, but she insisted that we be together sexually if I wanted to stay with her. She would beg me, plead me, and eventually force me. She would call me names and threaten to leave the relationship if I wouldn't be intimate with her. I never realized how much that force was really manipulating me into doing something I didn't want, and how much it was killing my heart and spirit. It has taken me a while to get to a point of realizing it was a form of abuse. Some days, I still don't call it that and I question myself.
I carried around these small, but intense and graphic scenarios with me for years. Two years ago, a friend and I went out to the bars. A couple of guys came home with us. I pretended to be asleep because I was so uncomfortable with the guys being in the apartment. It was my friend's apartment and she was insistent that they stay. We all laid on the large couch together and I pretended to be asleep. I thought to myself: "If I am asleep, this guy won't touch me." I was wrong. My back was facing him and he started massaging my butt. I just continued to be asleep, so he'd stop. He didn't stop. He started sticking his finger inside of me. I moved around to try and make him stop. I even went to the bathroom to try and get him to change his mind. When I returned to the couch, he kept doing the same thing. He began to pull down my underwear and this was when I went into the other room to run away from him. I was so scared.
I don't know if any of these official qualify has sexual abuse or sexual assault, but they have wrecked my view of myself and my image. I am constantly ashamed of my sexuality and these pieces of my story stay tucked away. I don't trust people to hold these truths about my story in confidence. People are mean and vicious. I think I'm afraid that these were just minor infractions, but they had such a large impact on me. I read other stories on Honey, and I know how lucky I am. However, I can't seem to shake these sexual encounters that forever changed the way I view myself and others.