anonymous

 

You can be raped by your boyfriend. This is something I found out one year ago.

I don't remember much about that night. Memories will come back to me every now and then. I now know that this is common for victims of rape. I don't remember saying yes or no, but I remember crying. I remember being too shocked to say anything. I remember walking home alone afterwards feeling as if something was stolen from me. Feeling empty is the best way that I can describe it. I remember lying awake that night wondering if I should wake up my best friend/roommate and tell her. I was admitted into therapy but I refused to tell anyone his name. I was trying to protect him. For what? He had scarred me more than anything else had in my life. But I loved him so I kept quiet. I blamed myself for agreeing to meet him so late.

To this day I have recurring nightmares of being raped. But I am strong. I hate the word victim because it makes survivors sound as if they are weak. Getting through something like that is unimaginably hard, especially when the perpetrator is someone who you trust deeply. Especially when the horror does not end with the rape. The threats were almost as damaging and followed for a month after. Until he assumed that he was safe. 

"You're the lucky one," they would tell me, "because you were penetrated by fingers and not a penis." I don't feel lucky. But I can tell you that with the support from loved ones it gets easier to be strong. I don't know if I will ever fully heal, but I do know that it gets better everyday. I still find it hard to trust people and I haven't been able to have a healthy relationship in this past year, but I have hope for the future.