ANONYMOUS

My first memory of what happened is from when I was six years old. I was at their house, the house my mom always took me to. She would sit with her friends and drink wine and she would tell me to go and play. Somebody else lived in that house and he was nice at first, always giving me attention and playing with me. One day we were playing hide and seek but he refused to acknowledge that I had won. He had his hands over his eyes saying, "If I can't see you then you can't see me." I thought it was funny because he was a man acting like a child. I tugged on his trousers to get his attention and kept tugging when he wouldn't listen. I feel ashamed about it, maybe tugging on his trousers meant I was asking for it in some way. But I was just a little kid. When they came down and his thing was out, I was really confused.

Every time we went to their house after that he would take me up to a bedroom and make me watch pornography while he touched himself or touched me or made me touch him. He would use anything he could to bribe me; including money. Why did I take it? Is that consent? He used to give me a teddy bear to hold while he did things. One time the white stuff splattered onto the teddy bear and I felt I could never touch it again. I think that's when I knew what he was doing was wrong. 

The worst time was when he asked me to perform oral sex on him. I couldn't have been more than eight years old, if that. It makes me sick when I think about it. I can still smell it every day. 

I knew I couldn't tell my mother or anybody else. I didn't want them to think I was disgusting. But sometimes I wonder how they didn't know. They let this guy take me to a bedroom every time and never came looking for me. Did she not wonder why I never wanted to go to the bathroom in that house alone? We have a bad relationship now, me and my mother. I think it started there. Because I never felt I could trust her after that. 

When I was 16 I got very close to my biology teacher, she just knew something was wrong and would let me talk to her. One day she was telling me how she was sexually abused as a child and before I knew what was happening I was telling her what had happened to me. Maybe I hoped that she would keep it a secret like I had for ten years. But she told the school and it was very upsetting. The school made me feel like I was being punished for saying something. Because of my age and because it happened so long ago, thankfully they didn't tell my parents when I asked them not to. I know I won't make the mistake of telling anybody again.

Sometimes I get angry. Why did he have to choose me and take away my innocence. Now I'm 18 years old and anything intimate terrifies me and I can't do anything about it. He has ruined my body for me. I feel like my body does not belong to me.